I'm Goin' Through Changes (den na nah!)
(Yes... the theme song from Big Mouth.)
I’ve heard time and time again that every pregnancy is different (even between your own, if you have multiple!). You will not have the same experience as me, your mom, your sis, your best friend. It is uniquely and beautifully YOURS.
That said, I did want to share my experience here, if not for my own memory (that seems to be rapidly fleeting) but perhaps to be able to share with my son later on, or… (total bonus points), if it can soothe some of the mental strain for future moms to be.
(And if baby making is not in your plans, this still may also help you understand the psyche of your partner, friend or family member that is going through it!!)
So here’s my pregnancy journey, including the most surprising changes to my physical/ mental health and overall outlook on life. Plus a “hindsight is 20-20” view on how to invite a sense of calm, adaptability and forgiveness in the eye of the most intimate storm.
Chapter 1
PHYSICAL CHANGE
Before getting pregnant, I knew my body would change.. I just didn’t know exactly how. Aside from the obvious growing belly, here are a few unexpected physical curveballs I was thrown during pregnancy.
Altered Appetite
During my first trimester, I didn’t have “morning sickness”.. I had ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT nausea. I have never been a calorie counter, but I felt the need to FitBit track what I could get down, to be sure I was getting the recommended 1,800 calories/ day.
Guilhem (husband!) and I took separate carts around the grocery store and I filled my cart with what I thought I could eat. I met him at the checkout counter with… cherry PopTarts, cherry Nutrigrain bars (hello childhood), b6 Vitamin water, pomegranate juice
(which I craved and drank everyday for 9 months) and dried seaweed. Yep, that was about it for 3 full months.
Then, to the exact day that the second trimester hit, I was perfectly ravenous with an extra spring in my step.
When the third trimester arrived, and Oli (son :)) took over the majority of my torso, I would eat half my plate and promptly lay down at the table. Back to the exhaustion I felt during the 1st trimester with, now, zero space for food! So, I shifted to all day snacking until Oli “dropped” into birthing position, which left more space for proper meals.
Lead Legs
Though it was completely involuntary, it still does not come recommended!
It felt like the lower half of my body did while straining through hour 16 of a 20 hour flight to Singapore. These restless legs felt as though I needed to spontaneously spin out into a Road Runner sprint. Cool peppermint lotion massages upward (knee to hip bone), and physical activity helped.. a little.
Luscious Looks
When your loved ones claim “you look different… you’re glowing!.. Are you pregnant??” With the help of those prenatal vitamins and shifting hormones, my hair and nails grew thicker, longer, and faster, my skin was clear, and my teeth…
I am the most cavity prone person I know.. but when I was pregnant, those hormones changed the makeup of my saliva andddd I went 2 full years without cavities 😀
Dental health is super important throughout pregnancy. Usually, the shift in hormones causes dental deterioration.. luckily for me, it had the opposite effect.
Extremity Expansion
Besides the very obvious growing belly, around month 7, I watched my cheeks puff up as well as my thighs and arms. Frrrnt.. it goes away 😉
Peculiar Practices
Just plan to be near a toilet at all times. Hydration is super important, so I kept up my habit of 3L of water/ day. Only.. baby is either curled up with or kicking your bladder.
One beautiful trick that spared me a couple waddles out of bed, is to lean forward when you think you’ve emptied your bladder and push, gently, once more.
I also subconsciously developed supinated feet while standing still. As though the added weight splayed my feet apart and I found balance by putting more weight on the outsides of my feet? I noticed it most while cooking… and I still do that today— 2 years postpartum! I’ll catch myself doing it, and correct it, but it does happen!
Popping Pelvis
It felt like my sacrum needed to POP for about 6 months straight. Like the constant feeling of expansion but no release of a crack or pop. I did go see a chiropractor specialized in prenatal care. While I did get that pop I was after,
my pelvis continued to expand and the pressure returned soon after.
So, I accepted the phrase that my doctor so bluntly shared… “this is a one way train, things will continue to grow until it’s time to push!”
Ebbing Energy
First trimester had me lying fetal position in a hammock trying to focus on anything other than how nauseous I was. I made animals out of clouds, tried to decipher the different species of birds based on their unique calls..you name it! Exhausted… it was the first time in my life I could successfully take naps!
But, when the second trimester began, I had a burst of energy alongside a healthy appetite. I did regular and pregnancy appropriate workouts. (More on that in future posts!)
And then, into the 3rd trimester, my energy levels declined a bit, but I still managed to move my bump around in the gym.
So the overall gist of pregnancy, if you haven’t noticed, is fluctuation— with a capital F.
I learned then, something so pivotally beautiful. Something that I buried for a long, long time as an athlete/ performer; where “the show must go on” (usually at the cost of your body or health!).
Truly listening to your body’s needs is a simple yet vital practice.
This practice sunk in while pregnant because it was not only for my own well-being— but for the well-being of Oliver as well. But that, thankfully, has stuck with me for years postpartum, with the mentality of ‘if I take care and listen to myself, I will be more equipped to be a better mom’… well better person in general!
So what can you do to take on physical pregnancy changes?
Breathe Through the Constant Change
You will not feel like the you, you have always known. You are expanding your existence as a human to become a mother. And within the physical realm of that reality, most of these changes are temporary.
The nausea, restless legs and urgent need to pee go away. The dark line down the center of your abdomen that swirls around your belly button disappears. Your energy and appetite re-balance. And with dedication, grace and time, your physique will return.
You may have some ‘battle scars’ like stretch marks, or disconnected abdominal muscles, but they are part of the miraculous journey of creating life. I don’t frown at my abdominal gap, I discovered how to live within this new framework safely.. and with kindness.
Stay as Active as Your Body Allows
While I advocate for conscious and healthy eating patterns + regular exercise at all times, it is a game changer to maintain these healthy habits all throughout pregnancy.
While my body was on this “Fluctuating” Space Mountain rollercoaster ride, I relied on my ingrained habits of consistent food intake, conscious selection and light/ regular exercise to pull me through. (This also helped the postpartum recovery process TREMENDOUSLY!) I cut down the intensity of my workouts, but the act of doing a workout, as I always did, kept things grounded for me in a time of feeling off and new.
Smaller and More Frequent Bites
Whether you’re nauseous, have a burst of energy, or feeling too crowded to eat, portioning your meals and snacks to be smaller, but eating more frequently really helps keep your overall energy consistent.
(I recommend this out of pregnancy as well, it just feels more pressing when your body is in a state of constant change!)
Rest
*Yelling into megaphone* “Sleep while you still can!”
In all realness, and in line with my incessant drilling to listening to your body’s needs, permit yourself to REST. If you’re anything like me, resting comes *after* cleaning, working, eating, training.. productivity! But growing a baby is productive, and it takes a lot more out of you than you may think. Move your body when you can, but also listen if you need some sleep or a quiet moment on the couch. Doing “nothing” allows you and your body to recharge, read about motherhood, or connect with your baby… which, if you ask me, definitely checks the productivity box!
Rest is anything that makes your nervous system feel safe enough for your stress responses to switch off, so your mind and body can recover.
Don’t Compare
Everyone’s pregnancy is different, yes. But MOST, do not look like those posed, neutral Scandinavian decor, perfectly glowing instagram posts. So, keep my fuzzy hair and sweat pants in mind if you struggle to put makeup on one day 😉
Chapter 2
MENTAL CHANGE
Did you think only your body can fluctuate? Wooohoo, hang on tight… your mental and emotional health can change too!
To Know or Not to Know
I learned I was pregnant just about as early as you can… around week 4. So getting through the 1st trimester to that sweet spot where “it’s safer to announce”, felt like it took forever. And within that forever, there was an annoying inner voice that tugged at my positive vibes of having a healthy and safe pregnancy.
The nagging voice of “what if”… I struggled 
with wanting to know to be prepared but also, not to read too much as to unintentionally invite Negative Nancy to the party.
If you’re a laws-of-attraction type of gal, reading about the unthinkable ways a pregnancy could go wrong, can go either way.
Know yourself and what will bring you the most peace. Because it can either keep you grounded, if you like to feel in control, or it can spiral you into destructive thought patterns that you just don’t need!
I chose to balance the two and read just enough so that I could “catch” or be informed of any signs that things weren’t right. But stopped if I started to feel fear of what I was reading. And on another note, we chose not to announce our pregnancy. Having posted my whereabouts and what-abouts on instagram for the past years, I chose to keep the pregnancy for me and my family (made easier by global lockdown), which created an intimate/ ‘safe’ little bubble. After all, this pregnancy is YOURS, share it how you want, when you want.
Dealing with Body Image
Like many (most?) women, I’ve struggled with body image throughout my life. Being under the spotlight for so many years wearing skin-tight or skimpy costumes, it was difficult to not be VERY aware of my body. (Acceptance came much later in my career which deserves it’s own post!)
Maybe it was the “pressure off” effect of Covid, where performers were out of work, so there was no deadline of getting that 6 pack back. Or, maybe we wanted this child so much, that I just didn’t care, but I truly enjoyed the rapid physical change. I really watched and felt my body change with curiosity, love and awe.
I felt powerfully feminine.
Nesting
Apparently 8 months pregnant was the PERFECT moment to scrub every square inch of soap scum out of the shower. Seriously, the house had never looked so good.
And I’ve always been a planner, but I also may have some sort of deep-rooted Italian superstitions… I wanted to set up a nursery in advance… but not too in advance…
Spontaneous Emotional Flares
Details are blurry (how convenient for me 🙂 ), but I do remember one afternoon where the planning of the day had slightly changed. 
Guilhem was working out in the basement and I remember just feeling anger. (I believe I had been waiting for him to complete some unimportant task?). By the time he met me upstairs, I said “I am so angry with you right now. I don’t know why, but I am.”
At least he got a verbal warning…??
IT Who Shall Not Be Named
COVID gets an honorary mention here. It was the perfect time to have a baby as a performer (where there was no pressure to turn my body around and get back out there) but also perhaps, the scariest. 
Wanting Oliver so much made everything feel threatening. Having been pregnant only 4 months into this worldwide lock-down, without information on the effects of pregnant woman, fetal development or infants, made a lot of the “normal” build-up-to-baby events very strained and terrifying. I.e. hospital visits, family gatherings, baby shower, traveling etc.
When Things Aren’t Perfect
Failed Glucose Test. Yeah. Me. I failed the first glucose test. The one where you drink a very sugary drink and then take blood work soon after to see if your body is processing the sugar at a “normal” and safe rate. Mine was not. Me. I flew off the handle on how this could be so dangerous for the baby, if I did indeed have gestational diabetes. 
While I waited to be scheduled for the 3 hour glucose test, my mind was spinning. Thank you hormones.
In the 2 weeks waiting to re-take the test, I did a lot of research on what it actually meant and how we could manage it. Turns out, with gestational diabetes, if you keep your blood sugar under control, eat a healthy diet, get regular, moderate physical activity, and gain the right amount of weight, baby will be delivered safely and in good health. I thought.. “Well, that’s my literal jam! I can do this”.
In the end, I did pass the 3 hour test. So… if I had asked questions about it, in the actual moment, I could have spared myself the spiraling Google searches and extra grey hair!
Mental Awareness and Preparation
We waited three years after getting married to start trying. We knew that having a baby would halt our very physical careers for some time, with an unknown return date. You just don’t know what kind of mom (or parent) you’re going to be, until it actually happens (workin’ mom with nanny/ daycare, stay at home mom etc.) Within those 3 years, there was always a reason to delay. I wanted to tour that part of the world, take that contract, do that solo, etc.. 
So having the world shut down calmed that career motor, and allowed space to try.
While pregnant, we started to build online careers so that we had the most flexibility to continue working later (i.e. touring with the online business or stay-at-home-mom-ing with that business… for me, a combination of the two!)
But alongside a change in career and rapid physical change, I think it’s important to recognize and mentally prepare for the change that happens to your actual being.. soul.. what makes you, you. Because alongside it all, lifestyle and priorities change too.
So what can you do to take on mental pregnancy changes?
Be Honest...
with yourself, your wants/ needs, and then allow yourself to accept this pregnancy in the entirety that it is. It will ebb, flow, go up and 
down, be joyous and sorrowful. Because within whoever you were and whoever you will be, this child of yours is about to blow your mind!
If you’re reading this before trying, it’s worth meditating on who you are, what you want (if you’ve ticked those boxes you wanted to tick!), and if you have space within that, to take on the role of mom. Not intended to be a warning, but a healthy mind exercise to aid in mental health and the change that comes with pregnancy and childbirth. <3
Be Present
I found it helpful to bond with the baby while pregnant, as to already include them in to your everyday existence.
Seek out moments every day to consciously connect with your child. Play music, tell them stories, feel all the ways they are trying to communicate with you already. In the end, I could decipher if I was being kicked with feet, hands, knees, head or bottom. I could feel his hiccups, coughs and even nightmare whimpers. I was completely in love with him before we officially met.
Keep Talking
Tell your fellow mom friends, family, doctor or midwife what’s going on. Your emotions are legitimate and real. Process and share them because you are never alone.
You are not the first nor last to feel out of control, bloated, nauseous, alone, or scared…
Prioritize Health
Un-apologetically, like a true broken record, <<keeping up with physical activity + balanced/ frequent meals>> will also help your mental health. It will improve your mood— potentially balance out those emotional flares, and help you sleep at night.
For me, I felt a big difference in the intense restless legs if I worked out that day or not.
Set Up
Speaking of sleep, those first few weeks with a newborn feels like you are in the Twilight Zone. An alternate universe of exhaustion, concern and healing.
Start getting used to your chosen sleeping arrangement. Put the bassinet together, install the blackout curtains, and turn on the sound 
machine a few weeks in advance.
If you plan on breastfeeding and have a breast pump, to either aid in milk supply, or be able to store breastmilk for work or travel, set up and read up on how to use it!!
I stood topless in the living room crying to my sister-in-law because I had no idea what I was doing. She sized the flanges and talked me through the process. Avoid the cavewoman approach to breastfeeding… as I did! (I had a lot of issues— which will be it’s own post— but I am still breastfeeding today… 2.5 years later!)
Not every day will feel amazing, but bask in the ones that are. Like many, many… many other things throughout pregnancy (and beyond), the lows are also temporary.
Pause and breathe long and slow breaths. And/ or properly cry through it… but then always try to reset your mind before going to sleep that night— “tomorrow will be better, brighter, easier, calm, peaceful..”
Because 9 times out of 10, it usually is!
Chapter 3
PERSPECTIVE CHANGE
I’ve always been an observer. Traveling the world for 15 (!!) years now has allowed me to just see life through different lens’…culture, language, religion, habit… But the motherhood lens has been my favorite thus far. It has given me…
Profound Admiration for Other Mothers
You just don’t know how to relate to other moms until you are one. You don’t know how to show up for them, support them, understand them. You don’t realize how hard it can actually be. How hellos are now directed to what you are holding instead of yourself. 
How alienating and selfless this forever job can be.
Now, when a baby cries on the airplane, I don’t sport the hefty eye roll (that I once, very much did!), I nod at the mother with the intent of showing support and strength. Motherhood unlocks a new understanding with an all encompassing compassion toward other parents and children.
A New Form of Self Awareness
Before baby, I was jumping out of airplanes, first in line for the highest and fastest rollercoasters, heck, flying above thousands of
people every single night… however… from the moment you find out you are pregnant, this new responsibility obliterates everything else.
This is bigger than you and suddenly, all risks are calculated!
Resilience
Being able to battle life and it’s daily struggles while still prioritizing your child’s care, is all made possible by LOVE. 
A mother’s love cannot be compared, it is unconditional and fiercely powerful. And with this power, you take on the role to support and encourage your child, while very often sacrificing your own needs. You don’t get a round of applause for your efforts… but you most certainly should! It is pretty incredible how much a mom can actually pile on to her plate.
Creativity
While creativity was clearly a huge part of my life as a stage artist, 
I spent the majority of my pregnancy and first portion of motherhood in search for another creative outlet… because I felt lost! When I couldn’t physically do what I loved to do, I started a frantic search for another way to scratch that itch. Through trial and error in finding something that fits within the confines of being a stay-at-home-touring mom, I finally found a way to fill that void… writing. Hi! And you thought this blog was for you 😉
So what can you do to take on this new perspective?
Give a Round of Applause for Moms
Acknowledge them. Recognize them. Love them. Support them.
Air It Out
Find ways to talk to your partner about the changes you’re (both!) experiencing during pregnancy and beyond. It’s easy to see the physical changes and feel the emotional changes that are happening, but your being/ outlook/ soul, in my opinion, is also integral to your overall health, so.. it is worth an honorable mention from time to time!
Honor It All
Applied to both the good and the bad. The frustrations associated with your new reality are temporary but… so are the most cherished moments. A wise woman (hi mom!) once said “rest in your unrest”. It hit me just right, because while I’m wired to frantically search for solutions, sometimes finding peace within chaos allows your whole being the space… to actually find a solution!
Adopt the Creative Mindset
Even if it is not your chosen profession, a creative mindset allows you to grow through the crack in the pavement, so to speak. It takes you out of sticky situations and ‘the glass half empty’ zone, allowing you to invent a new, sometimes better, outcome.
This is my take on the wild ride of motherhood so far… but I’d love to hear your story too! Comment below or send a private message anytime 🙂